The Daemon Dances

 

Have you ever been in a debate?

Was it good or bad for you?

Did you win or loose?

Was it a contest?

Debate is contention in argument; dispute, controversy; discussion; especially the discussion of questions of public interest in Parliament or in any assembly.^[1]
Debate is a method of interactive and representational argument. Debate is a broader form of argument than deductive reasoning, which only examines whether a conclusion is a consequence of premises, and factual argument, which only examines what is or isn't the case, or rhetoric, which is a technique of persuasion. Though logical consistency, factual accuracy and some degree of emotional appeal to the audience are important elements of the art of persuasion, in debating, one side often prevails over the other side by presenting a superior "context" and/or framework of the issue, which is far more subtle and strategic. The outcome of a debate depends upon consensus or some formal way of reaching a resolution, rather than the objective facts as such. In a formal debating contest, there are rules for participants to discuss and decide on differences, within a framework defining how they will interact.
Debating is commonly carried out in many assemblies of various types to discuss matters and to make resolutions about action to be taken, often by a vote. Deliberative bodies such as parliaments, legislative assemblies, and meetings of all sorts engage in debates. In particular, in parliamentary democracies a legislature debates and decides on new laws. Formal debates between candidates for elected office, such as the leaders debates and the U.S. presidential election debates, are sometimes held in democracies. Debating is also carried out for educational and recreational purposes, usually associated with educational establishments. The major goal of the study of debate as a method or art is to develop the ability to debate rationally from either position with equal ease.
Although informal debate is common the quality and depth of a debate improves with knowledge and skill of its participants as debaters. The outcome of a contest may be decided by audience vote, by judges, or by some combination of the two.
― http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debate

I have discovered there is another form of debate that I actually enjoy, and that is when two or more people discuss important issues, not as in a game of win or loose, but in a passionate exploration of facts, ideas and a journey, without destination, into new truths.

While I cherish these debates, they are few and far between on my journey through life. Sadly, all too often, most of the debates I end up in are the win/loose kind. What is even more sad is that I end up in these debates, when I really did not want to enter them at all, ever.

Once I was sitting in a park, along the ocean, chatting about the weather and other light topics with my girlfriend. Before I knew it, I was ensconced in a debate. Hold on, isn't “ensconced” supposed to have something to do with a safe place? My point was, I was feeling safe, in the park, on a grand day, sitting by the ocean, on the west coast of Vancouver Island, and suddenly I found myself “embroiled” in this debate about (gawd, I can't even remember any more).

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

When Someone is Listening to Understand

• They look relaxed
• They nod their head a lot
• They smile, that dreamy smile like they are enjoying what you say
• They stop to paraphrase what they understand
• They make short, clever, interjections to show they relate to what you are saying

When Someone is Listening to Reply

• They look agitated
• They shake their head sideways a lot
• They grimace, or otherwise do not look pleased or content
• They stop to interrupt and invalidate what you are saying
• They try to hijack the entire conversation to their agenda

It's not rocket science, I can pretty much tell pretty soon which way things are going. What I cannot understand is why I cannot control myself better when the debate turn ugly.

Thinking, Fast and Slow

If you have not read “Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman, you should. In a nutshell, our minds tend to function in one of two modes:

1. Thinking fast, when quick decisions are required, especially life or death.
2. Thinking slow, when we have the luxury of reason, thoughtfulness, and reflection.

Whether or not we are in danger, there are some things are minds do very well, very quickly. For example, what is 3 times 7?

It is 21 of course because we memorized the multiplication tables in primary school, and the fast thinking part of our brain can remember that fact in an instant, whether we are in a crisis or not. OK, what is the square root of 856?

29.257 of course, because I used a calculator. However, I bet a lot of you thought WTF? How do you calculate square root? For those of you who know how to calculate square root, it is a long process, involving division and estimation, but it is certainly not a quick table look-up from childhood training. I could have done it without a calculator, but it would have taken me many minutes.

For some of you, you might even have felt “who is this fucking intellectual snob challenging me to some stupid esoteric bit of knowledge and reasoning? This bastard is some some holier than thou asshole trying to make me look stupid, and someone needs to put him in his place”

And there we have it. The slow thinking person might have actually parsed and tried to understand I was talking about slow thinking, whereas the fast thinking person might have been reacting instantly to their emotions, parsing half my words, and none of my semantics, reacting instantly to their passions, and thinking of how best to reply to my perceived insult to them.

Dance

I have been a swing dancer since the late 1990's and while I am not exceptional, I am experienced. As a dance lead you learn many many patterns―that is the core of your training. Along the way you also learn skills and techniques, and in particular you (try) to learn to listen to listen to the music in real-time, choreographing moves, and leading your partner into a successful experience or performance for both of you.

Dance is usually about thinking fast, because if you are not intimately familiar with the music, you need to improvise a lot, instantly, in real time.

I have experience more than my fair share of couples counselors and other so-called communications experts, who all say, it is better to discuss important issues face-to-face rather than in e-mail. To all those people I say: bull-fucking-shit, you are so out to lunch. Scientific research shows that people do not usually think rationally quickly. It is really hard to reflect and listen to understand quickly, especially when emotions are in play. I think it is more important to know when you can discuss things face-to-face rationally, and when some other form of communication is necessary.

When people, especially people with strong feelings, try to communicate, we become like dancers. When we hear the music of our emotions, we fall back into our dance patterns, and we either listen to understand or we listen to reply, based on the dances we are most comfortable with.

More recently I have become enchanted with Blues Dancing. What I feel compelling is that this form of dance is more about listening to the music, and interpreting what you hear. There are just not as many patterns to choreograph, and there is more emphasis on the conversation with your dance partner. Overall, there is more emphasis on the experience and less on the performance. Maybe there is some fundamental truth here to relationships, that there should be more emphasis on the experience of our relationships than on the performance of them.

There are daemons in all of us that drive us to react on our emotions instead of our reason. Communication is the most important dance any of us will know or experience in our lives. Until we learn to ignore the daemons in our emotions, we can never learn to dance to the true music of life. Any debate that is reactive instead of reflective, is just fear as opposed to love.

As I grow older and wiser, I am inclined to believe that love is more about reason than emotion, that is true love is about reason, while false love is about emotion.

The Daemon Dances

The Daemon Dances are those interactions we have with people where we fall back on past traumas and ineffectual responses, where we listen to reply, as opposed to listen to understand. In the end, is our choice to understand life, or reply to it?

And I leave you with Samba Pa Ti, one of the songs I feel is most about love. There are no words, just love. Maybe you will listen, and there will be no debate.